By Maha Chaudhry
When it comes to fear, the only kind we should be welcoming into our life should be in the form of thrillers and haunted houses. The other kind shouldn’t really live rent-free in our lives.
That being said, as we step into this season, let’s take inventory. It might be time to part with fear and leave the spookies behind. And yes, I used the word spookies, for the sake of “spooky season.”
On average, we have about 6,200 thoughts per day. And it’s our thoughts that strongly shape our perception. And our perception shapes our experiential reality.
So then, imagine most of the thoughts you had were fear-based thoughts? How might that then affect your perception and thus, your reality?
If I had to guess, it might show up as added doubt, self-sabotage, and even this feeling of being “stuck.”
You see, not all kinds of fear is a bad thing. For example, when it shows up as do not proceed because you might fall off the edge, that’s caution, and we don’t mind that. It becomes an issue, however, when it holds you back from living your best life because you are fearing an outcome, even at a subconscious level, that you don’t know will ever actually materialize. And the more attention we give to a perceived threat, the more space it can begin to occupy in our minds.
There’s science behind that. Researchers have long studied what is known as attentional bias toward threat, or our tendency to pay greater attention to information we perceive as threatening. It doesn’t mean that focusing on a negative outcome will magically cause it to happen. It does mean that when our minds become preoccupied with potential threats, those threats can begin to command more of our attention, influencing what we notice, how we interpret situations, and ultimately, how we respond to them.
The good news? A thought is not necessarily a fact. And learning to recognize the difference might be one of the most powerful places to begin.
Fear-based thoughts can be sneaky because they don’t always sound like fear. Sometimes they sound like I’m not ready yet. Or What if I fail? Maybe it’s I’m not good enough, They’re probably going to say no, or the classic I’ll do it when the timing is better. Fear can disguise itself as doubt, procrastination, perfectionism, overthinking, people-pleasing, or even staying somewhere you’ve outgrown simply because what’s familiar feels safer than what’s unknown.
So, when one of those thoughts comes up, pause and question it. Is this a fact, or is this fear making a prediction? What evidence do I actually have that this outcome will happen? And perhaps most importantly, what might I do differently if I weren’t afraid of the outcome?
This isn’t about pretending everything is going to work out perfectly. That would be unrealistic. It’s about remembering that possibility works both ways. If you don’t know for certain that something is going to go wrong, you also don’t know that it won’t go wonderfully right.
Then comes the part that requires a little courage: act anyway. The American Psychological Association explains that avoiding something we fear can make us feel better temporarily, but over time, avoidance can reinforce fear. One of the reasons exposure therapy is effective for certain fears is that safely confronting what has been avoided can weaken the association between the feared situation and the bad outcome we expect. It can also build something psychologists call self-efficacy: evidence that we can face discomfort and managing what comes with it.
Now, I’m not suggesting you turn your life into one giant exposure-therapy session. But there is something valuable we can take from the science: sometimes we must give ourselves new evidence. Send the email. Apply for the opportunity. Have the conversation. Take the class. Go somewhere alone. Establish the boundary. It doesn’t have to be a giant leap. Sometimes one small action is enough to begin proving to yourself that the story fear has been telling you isn’t the only possible one.
And because our minds and bodies work together, ghosting fear can be holistic, too. Give yourself enough sleep. Move your body. Spend time outside. Meditate. Journal. Take a few intentional breaths before reacting. Pay attention to what you consume, from the conversations around you to the content filling your screen. And perhaps offer yourself a little more kindness in the process. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, has spent decades studying the value of responding to ourselves with mindfulness and self-kindness rather than harsh self-criticism, particularly when we’re struggling or feel as though we’ve fallen short.
Maybe releasing fear starts with recognizing it without judgment—and noticing when it begins making our choices for us.
So, this season, consider doing a little mental housekeeping. Identify one fear that has been taking up too much space. Name it. Question it. Separate what you know from what you’re predicting and then take one small step in the direction you actually want to go.
Because the goal isn’t to become fearless. Fear serves a purpose. The goal is learning the difference between the fear that says, Be careful, you’re in danger, and the fear that says, don’t try, you might fail.
One protects you. The other might be keeping you from discovering just how capable you really are.
And that fear?
Consider it ghosted.
